You all will think I'm a nutcase, but I'm sure you've thought it at least once in the time we've known each other. I'm having a really hard time believing that I am pregnant. I have wanted to be pregnant for so long, and have been trying for so long that I can't believe it's finally happening.
August was supposed to be our last month of trying while on Clomid. It was our fifth month, and usually after the fifth month, they talk about different options for trying. After all the testing and whatnot over the last 4 and a half months nothing was working. However, this month, Jason and I tried every "trick" in the book, making sure that we weren't doing it halfway. One trick every month wasn't working, so we figured all the tricks should work. My attitude then became, we've tried everything this round, and if it doesn't work, then I'm ok with giving up for a while.
For months I kept track of what days I started my cycle, what days I ovulated, what days I started, etc. I was thinking that if I took a test towards the end of our trip to Denver, it would only be a few days early. I was still expecting the negative result, but the sooner I knew, the sooner I could go on with life.
I was having some symptoms, but like always, I was making excuses for it. The peeing a lot was due to the UTI I was feeling coming on. The hunger feeling was me being on a crazy vaca diet. The nausea and sick feeling while on the plane and 4D ride were cause I'm old and not as stomach strong as I used to be.
Furthermore, I have a terrible fear that I am like Terri on Glee. She wanted a baby so bad that she made up symptoms and then she wasn't. Wouldn't that be terrible going to the dr and there's no baby?!
My appointment on Monday, I think, will put everything into perspective. Once I hear that little heartbeat going, and maybe see that little grape size nugget in there, it will become real for me instead of a delusion.
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